The current death brawl being held inside my body is a bloody match between logic and feeling. Logic starts with it's pedantic, authoritative voice...it has been almost six months....you know it was a lie, you are doing better now in life than you have ever done....let it go. My heart aching with a pain thus far no amount of time, nor distraction has healed viciously replies....then why am I crying?...Why then are you unable to fall asleep until light is creeping into the sky. If you are content...why do you remember every little thing. The way your head fit on his chest...and the calming rhythm of his rapid heart beat...the way his rough hands felt against your smooth skin. If you are completely ready to move on why then do you still remember so vividly the first moment you met...and the first I love you. The final devastating blow my heart throws....if you are healing then why have you tried so hard to distract yourself? So you found a job you enjoy that keeps you busy 20-35 hours...and you'll done almost as much cleaning and organizing as you can in your same small room. Your bills and your life as stable...then why do you still feel as life your missing.... I don't have the strength to admit...that although it may have been a lie to his heart....my heart loved and felt things it has never before experienced, and when I finally gave up...and forced myself to see the truth...by then he had already ripped my heart out and unknowingly carried it in his pocket. I will never be the same. I will never again be the person I was before I loved him. He broke me in such a way, that I forgot who I was. I corrected some bad habits others I just had no desire to even attempt to pick back up. I cried every night for months...have lost endless hours of sleep....I tried to...attempted to distract my heart by a smaller love from the past...one night of the past left my crying the whole night through, in silence as not to give it away to the one attempting to comfort me. For the first time since I was 19 and I am now almost 27 I have no true desire to be with anyone. I am so lost and broken I'd rather be alone, which in itself causes trouble...because my loneliness kills me during depression episodes....How do you heal a heart when your head knows the truth but the heart won't listen. How do you mend a longing and an ache for someone who doesn't give a damn. Worse of all how do you find yourself....after feeling as if your whole sense of self was stolen away with the break.